What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 29.06.2025 01:30
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
All the time i was locked up.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
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The only rule us 5 kids had .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Have you ever been spanked in front of a group of people?
As i do to all so called friends.?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
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But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But ive been too sick for many years..
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I have no regrets .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
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5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Who then, do I blame.?
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I had hoped to write a book about this .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
How do you raise well-behaved children?
She wouldn,t have been !
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She was in good health!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She married twice! .
I never cut or harmed myself..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I waited trembling.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I couldn’t, believe it.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He was dying to do it , i knew.
This is soul school!.
And i lived it daily.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My life is so biszare .
One cannot live in the past .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Ive learnt so much.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
When she asked me how she looked .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I could never make a relationship work though!
What did i know ?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
My family never makes their pension either.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Would this be the day?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
So, i spoilt her more .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
So whats the point in blame.
(And it was in our own minds.)
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Im still living with it.
I was scared of men, in general
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I will be 64.
It was going to be , some day.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Why did i forgive my father ?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I was 9 years of age.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I was very sick at this time too.
Comes on , in middle age.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
We were not on the streets..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Was to survive, this bastard.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He knew the spot.
Put me off passion for life!!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He resisted the act ,that day.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was seconnd youngest,
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She found it foreign!.
I don,t even have a pension.
She loved him until the end.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I said to her
But it wasn’t much.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But, we were locked up after school.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I think the readers, may guess!
I write beautiful poetry .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We all went to grammer schools